Confession

I remember there was a time last year that I felt something different when I caught myself looking at you. I was watching you and then you said something then I snapped from my daydream and that's when I realized, I have to stop before that feeling takes off and leaves me helpless. I guess it's because I have always wanted to do the right thing. I succeeded for a while, because someone else came along and I shifted my attention from you to him. I forgot about you, though every single detail of every encounter I have with you is vividly stored in my mind. I remember those instances that you asked me questions, which I know are meaningless to you, but to me they were special. I remember holding your hand for the first time. ;) I remember taking your picture and looking at it and deciding to delete it because I wanted to stick to my decision, that I cannot like you.

My new year began with a heartbreak. For five months I was hurting. June came and little by little I got used to being alone again. The following month, I have completely gotten over my failed relationship. By August I am back to this old question. "Why do I feel this way whenever I see you?"

I tried so hard to ignore it but they say if you can't make something go away, then it's probably meant to be there. I like to live my life without regrets but I can't help but feel sorry because I should have told you a long time ago, how much I like you.

So instead of fighting it, I told myself, "enjoy whatever you feel, one day it will all be gone, it will vanish..." So there I was in my little corner, watching you, having butterflies in my tummy, and each smile I see is enough. Days passed and what happened is the opposite of what I had in mind. My simple crush had turned into this longing and I've been thinking about you more. I really tried but this time there's no more escape. I've been listening to this mushy love songs and I've been looking forward to to the next time I will see your beautiful face again. I tried to make it go away, but the harder I try, the more I see you. I see you all around. I see you in my dreams. I see you everywhere.

Never plan everything in life. That way we get to embrace life's little surprises. I got this message from a friend and YOU are the most wonderful, the sweetest and the best surprise that life has for me. I don't know how or why but being with you is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. You don't know how scared I was after that day. I like you so much and I was afraid that you might have a wrong impression of who I really am. I wouldn't bother explaining myself if you didn't mean a thing to me. I was so relieved when you assured me that I should not worry because what happened is something that we both wanted. You even used one of my favourite words. FREE WILL. I've been trying to not think about it because I don't know what was going on in your mind, but if after that day you would think of me differently, I would feel so sad. I wanted to be with you but I had accepted a long time ago that I can only have you in my dreams and if what happened would make you look at me in a negative way, then I pray, I'd be given the chance to at least tell you, that's not how it is. I am a free spirit, a happy-go-lucky a rebel, stubborn, I don't really care about what other pepole thinks of me, but I know my limitations. I can take it if the rest of the world looks at me in a negative way, but not you. I just want to let you know that it's the first time that this thing happened. I've been alone almost all my life, and if I am with someone, there is no other reason except, I wanted to be with that person. The only reason that I am with you now, is because I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

I can't thank you enough for everything. In my previous entries I said when it's time I'll tell you. Thank you for giving me that chance, and giving me more than I had ever hoped for. I told myself this feeling will never be more than an infatuation or a crush, but it's not possible. I'd be the most stupid person on earth if I stopped myself from falling in love with the most wonderful man with the sweetest smile and the one who lights up my world. I still pinch myself every now and then but I guess, you're meant to be here in my life, in my heart. I wish I could also make your life as beautiful as the world that you gave me. This is my confession.

I get a little tongue-twisted
Ev'ry time I talk to you, when I see you
And I'm so glad that you just missed it
The way I stared to memorize your face

To kiss you in my mind
Love you all the time

'Cause, when I close my eyes
I still can see your smile
It's bright enough to light my life
Out of my darkest hour
Please believe it's true
When I tell you I love you

I've taken too many chances
Searching for the truth in love that's in my heart
Tell me if I made the wrong advances
Tell me if I've made you feel ashamed

'Cause I know I have to do this
Would you hold my hand right through it?

I had to let you know just what would happen
Yes, I had to let you know the truth
I know I've got to do this
Would you hold my hand right through it?
Would you?

'Cause, when I close my eyes
I still can see your smile
It's bright enough to light my life
Out of my darkest hour
I know now this is true
When I tell you I love you