Him that I love, I wish to be free -- even from me.
:::::Anne Morrow Lindbergh::::::
Last friday, i went to the shop to return some defective cd's and then I saw a DVD of this korean soap being aired on GMA7 called Kim Sam Soon. I never watched it when it was first shown, mainly because I don't really switch the channel on that station. Right now they are showing the rewind of the said soap every saturday and sunday mornings. One day some magical twist of fate made me press the remote control and I got to see one episode. It was hilarious! I have an officemate who's a big fan of the said soap, but i couldn't relate when she was telling me that even her husband is so hook on watvhing it. So there goes the explanation for purchasing a DVD of My Lovely Sam Soon. ;0 And i do believe that nothing happens by accident. Everything happens for a reason.
I started watching it and I haven't finished the whole season, yet halfway through, I know I got my money's worth. It didn't only made me laugh, but it made me smile so many times. Laughter is good for the heart, but smiling is good for the soul. Anyone can make a person laugh, but making someone smile, is rare, and I do appreciate those times that I can feel that light stretch of my lips on both the left and the right side ;) After all, it's been months and finally, a smile! I am positively looking forward to that day when I could feel that smile from ear to ear. ;)
I am now on episode number 8. One episode was entitled "LOVE IS CHILDISH". One particular episode really made me pay attention. It is called "DAD, WHY IS IT SO HARD TO FALL IN LOVE? " Sam Soon, the female lead character is not your typical girl next door, she's tough but like any other human being, her heart gets broken too. She fell in love with the proprietor of the Luxurious restaurant where she's working as a party chef. They had a contract and pretended to be a couple to piss off Cyrus' mother. Cyrus explained to her, that he chose her, because he knows for sure, that he will never fall in love with her. Of course, we humans have this tendency of thinking that we know everything, that we know ourselves so much, we make plans, and we never anticipate that life doesn't work out that way. Even on a daily basis, things really don't go the way we plan it. Sometimes you wake up so early and you get caught up in traffic, and you end up being late for an appointment. It doesn't mean that we should not plan. We must plan and be ready if things don't turn out the way we wanted it to be. That particular episode is special to me, because like Sam Soon, it is my father who I turn to during the hardest part of my life. I've always been prayerful and next to my Maker, I have my Tatay to turn to when I feel like i can't go on anymore. I may not see him but i know he is watching over us, like he promised. There's also my ever-reliable best friend, one text is all it takes. ;)
So Sam Soon started to like Cyrus. That's the irony of life. Mess with the things which must be treated as sacred and be ready for the consequences. Just when she confessed that love to Cyrus, Hannah, the very pretty and dashing ex girlfriend entered the scene. The love of his life for three years, and obviously, he never lost that love, though he pretends that he had forgotten about her and moved on. How can 2 months of pretense ever compete with 3 years of friendship and love? Another human tendency. We pretend all the time. We try to cope up with the present by pretending that we have left the past where they really belong, which is the past. Then one day, we realize that the past never left us. We cannot be free from things which we still keep. It is never easy to let go, but sometimes it's the best thing to do. Otherwise, you will be repeating the same mistakes over and over. You'll get hurt in the process, you'll hurt other people. When you borrow money from someone, you can pay, or when you can't for some reasons, you can ask for more time to settle your debt, or you can hide and hope that time would make that obligation a forgotten thing of the past. Either way, the burden doesn't rest on the Creditor. It will cause inconvenience on the part of the creditor, but in reality, the one who borrowed the money and decided to treat it as an insignificant obligation will be the one who will be bothered with it every now and then, until he or she does the right thing.
I once fell in love with this boy. Then i got tired. I prayed so hard for someone else. Someone who will not make me cry as much as this boy that I love. Someone who will make feel good about myself. Then he came. He was not really my type, not the one I'm dreaming of, but he was right for me. I know he is right for me. I felt it in my heart. I was happy, everything looked perfect, then one day, he decided to stop loving me. He realized that he still loves this girl from his past. I was crushed. I have been heartbroken before but I never loved anyone the way that I loved this person. I tried to search for answers but when your in pain, there is no way to deal with it, but to experience it until it goes away. Pain doesn't arrive with a warning. It happens when you are having the best time of your life. It happens when you feel like you have escaped from something from your past, but then this unexpected and unwelcomed event comes in, to remind you, that you cannot move forward until you have dealt with your past the right way.
There is one scene from the movie "As good as it gets", when Greg Kinear told Jack Nicholson, that he is lucky because he knows who he wants. One is considered to be very lucky if that person knows who he wants. I have seen that movie so may times, yet i never remembered that particular scene. The part where Jack Nicholson proposed to Helen Hunt was the one that I can recall with vivid details. I never realized that indeed, you are very lucky if you know what you really want and who you wanna be with. After he broke up with me, I realized that there's still a part of me that is still in love with this boy. Being separated from him i got the chance to evaluate myself, and my feelings. How can you love someone completely if a part of your heart still belongs to someone else?
I wanna be loved completely. I don't want a love that can't stand the test of time. I don't want a love that prevents me from being myself. I don't want a love that makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want a love that lies. I don't want a love based on pretensions. I don't want a love resulting from fear of not being able to be loved by someone else. I don't want to be loved for a day, or a year. I don't want to be loved because I'm funny or caring. I want to be loved because. I don't need any other reason except. BECAUSE HE LOVES ME. And when i love, there would be no other reason except. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. Because there's no other soul on this planet that I'd like to be with.
Love comes and goes. You cannot force yourself to love someone. You cannot also stop yourself from loving someone. Logic would tell you that you must stop loving someone who never loves you in return. Common sense would tell you to stop loving someone who keeps on hurting you. Love the heart that hurts you, but never ever hurt the heart that loves you. There are times when the easiest thing is to give up. It hurts so bad that I just want to stop it all. I still don't understand everything, but one thing I am sure of. One broken heart will never stop me from loving. No matter who comes along, and it don't matter if someone better comes into the scene, if this love stays in your heart, then it is there for a reason. If you know who you want to be with then you'll have the will to fight for that love. When a person stops loving you, it is still up to you to decide whether for that reason, you would also stop the love you feel for that someone. When one party in a relationship gives up, then what must the other party do? If she or he gives up, then is it the end of Love? I don't know much but I know this... LOVE NEVER GIVES UP. . Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail. I never understood this verse until now.
One particular scene from Sam Soon would probably be my favourite, though I have not finished watching the remaining episodes. Cyrus was playing the piano with his niece and then he played this song. If our hearts play music instead of beating, then this song, is the melody of my heart. It is also where my blog name came from. Like a river flows, surely to the sea, darling so it goes, SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE.
I still have to watch the remaining episodes and find out if Sam Soon will have her happy ending. It still hurts every now and then, yet I am glad because I have found out one thing. I know who I want. And when that person comes, I willnot be scared because of what I've been through. I used to love that boy so much that I got so scared of the feeling and instead of letting myself experience that love, I made myself believe that it is a closed chapter of my life. I thought that if you're happy at the moment, you can forget to deal with what you can't face. I am still trying to deal with it right now, and I know one day i'll be given that chance again. It still hurts when I think about that someone, but something happened on the process of helping my heart to heal. I know it is God's grace. I am no longer afraid. I am now planning my life, without the fear that I might never have that chance to be with the one I love again. I am leaving everything to the hands of my Maker. Yes, it still hurts, but I can see clearly now. I guess there are still some things that I need to do. It still hurts, but I have learned to stop concentrating on the pain. It still hurts and yet I have learned to let God take care of those things that are beyond my control. I have learned to focus on the wonderful gifts that He has given me, knowing that In His Time, I will have my happy ending, Just like Sam Soon. ;)
But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for. ::::Paulo Coelho::::
